Triggers

I have triggers every day and they might not ever go away but they will get better over time. So I need time to heal to get over the trauma I have gone threw. I need the love of my life to give me time to heal and to understand that I might not ever heal all the way and I need him to be ok with that and love me threw that.

You might not understand what a trigger is or what it means to be triggered. And if you do not understand it then you might assume that I am just overreacting to things and I am dramatic.

I'm not being dramatic I'm not overreacting in fact I'm under reacting I'm being boring and dull. If you felt the way I feel on a daily basis you would be able to get out of your bed in the morning you wouldn't be able to function at all.

I'm in pain most of the time and the pain is in my mind but it's real it's real pain that I can feel that I do feel and because the source is from old injuries in my mind they are impossible to see and almost impossible to fix so they have to heal on their own.  They are healing on their own.

I end up fall into my down because of the pain from a trigger I wasn't expecting and I get hurt again and then there is new pain. When that happens I become scared again and I want to run away but there is no way to run away from your own mind. Because of this I end up afraid to move around and do normal things because of possibility of being triggered and falling down again. I'd rather be safe in bed so that my chances of being triggered will go down and if I am triggered at least I wont hurt myself by falling down again.

How does someone like me live their life? How am I supposed to go on and do every day activities? No one knows the things I just wrote down when they meet me hell they dont even know these things even if they know me. I try to explain to them but no amount of explaining prepares them and when I am triggered they react like

any person would react by telling me to calm down to be less dramatic or just stop acting crazy.

Sometimes I meet people who get it who see me at my worst and try anyway people who stay by my side and help me. Those are people I consider family not friends those people are my family.

My love doesnt want me to be friends with one of my "family" members but he let's me because he can see there is something important there. He doesnt understand why this person is my family but he knows that they are so he let's it alone most days.  This person isn't a great person to have around if you are not family with them because they are dangerous. This person has razor blade reactions in order to protect their own heart and soul. Sometimes those of us who are close to them we get hurt but it's worth it because they are strong and encouraging and a good man in a storm most of the time.

So I'm gonna leave it alone. I'm going to remember that I have triggers and that my love is willing to be ok with that and I am going to keep my family because my love tolerates it and family is important.

I still worry about my family and not being able to be close with them in order to protect my love from getting cut by the razor wire. I hope one day I can explain this to him and he will then finally let me have my family without being afraid of getting cut... maybe I'm just delusional or maybe I'm wanting my cake and to eat it too. I'll figure it out. Until then I'm working hard to overcome my triggers and not create new ones.

Everyone has triggers from their past some people just deal with them faster than others.  Its ok if you get triggered by somethings from your past because that is your brains way of telling you your soul needs a little more attention.