my reality

 I was 6 when I realized the world didnt care about me, that no one wanted to hear about my pains or see my tears. The world wanted me to be pretty and shut up. No one noticed that my heart was broken and I had no skills to heal it no one to hold me no one to sit with me in my pain. I was all alone suddenly in a room full of family and friends. You see when I was born my mother became important for the first time in her life. Up until that point the world had taught her that she was nothing worthless without a husband and a child. She wanted me so badly that she suffered miscarage after miscarage just to get me. My father wanted a boy but when I was born I was his entire world and he made sure that I knew it. I was a princess in my own little kingdom enough for both of my parents and more than they could ever dream of. I went to disneyland before I could walk and knotts berry farms both of which I went to multiple times. We went camping and white water rafting with all my aunts uncles cousins and even grandparents. I had the biggest most loving family and friends so many friends. I had the perfect all american life until the day my father died. That day I became nothing worthless easy to look past and often forgotten. In a room full of people who loved my father my mother told me in her words when I asked where is daddy "he's dead" then she cried. My heart was shattered beyond repair its broken till this day and I am 35 while writing this. I didnt have brothers or sisters i had cousins aunts and uncles and none of them bothered to ask me if i needed help. Not until the day my mother tried to take her life. I remember I was able to use a lighter and light candles because our power was shut off because my mother could not pay the bills not without my father. I remember that night burning my hair with the candle one strand at a time as my mother instructed me to call my aunt and tell her to come and get me. I was rushed away from the only family I had left to my grandmother who sat me in a chair for 5 hours taking lice out of my long thick curly blond hair. I cried as she ripped and tugged and told me to suck it up. Still no one asked me how I felt or if i needed help. No one cared about my broken heart my little lost lonely self. Yeah sure they were there for the moment but they didnt ask me if I missed my mother if I wanted to be with my momma she had to fight to get me back and that month felt like 10 years to me I was only 7. The years of my childhood have been told back to me and things I was there for are completly black lost in my memories I couldnt tell you if i was molested or beat I couldnt tell you if abuse was something I experianced because I only see flashes of broken glass tables, scary ghosts in the dark. I wanted nothing but to be held that year to be loved and told my dad was not gone. Instead my mom had men in her bed that I often walked in on to scared to sleep alone in my bed id wake up from nightmares and run to her instead. But she would send me away tears in my eyes I remember her with those guys. I dont remember learning to ride a bike or going camping or even disney land. I do remember my dad bearly just a little but i have made sure to burn him into my head. As I grew older I learned the world never would care no matter how loud i screamed no matter how much i cried no matter how much I just needed someone to help me no one would no one cared. Now after years of dead friends and years of sexual abuse and years of raising my daughter alone and years of being left over and over and over I lay in my bed still in my head unable to shake the lonely that I have come to dread. I am in that dark space where the air is not here where my eyes wont clear the tears where my chest hurts in stabbing pains where my I choke on the snot running down my face. I am here in a place no one seems to undstand no one cares to embrace. where people tell me they dont wanna hear about it they care not about my sarrow even though I cant face another tomorrow. i am alone and sucicidle. The wold will never care and that all i want all i need is someone to be there. to be kind with their words to be understanding of my pain to give me validation and comfort in knowing its just one day. that tomorrow is new and these feelings come and go that I am alive and have so much more to show. I cant help but feel as if I am the toxic substance in my environment that kills those who love me that makes everyone else hate me. that is my truth that I was told today is a broken record to much played. the words exactly were I dont want to hear your suicidal talk if you keep on I wont read the messages because they are abuse to that person... Now im just to afraid to even talk... its too bad I cant do it I hear the other side is less painful than this. I have to many kids to fuckup like this.